Should I Stay or Should I Go After an Affair? (And why this is the wrong question to be asking)

If you just found out about an affair, you’re probably asking yourself the same question I asked: “Should I stay or should I go?”

It’s the question that kept me up at 3am. The question that ran on a loop in my head while I was at work, at home, in the car, at meetings - literally everywhere. I couldn’t escape it.

And physically? I was heart sick. Stomach in knots. Confused. Angry. Sad. My body was processing trauma while my brain desperately tried to find an answer that would make the pain stop.

I asked this question over and over. At the home we shared. With friends. In my car. At work. You name a place; I was running this question through my head there.

I started asking it immediately after the first unraveling - after she confirmed what I suspected: they were, in fact, having an affair.

And I kept asking it. For months. For years, actually. But here’s what I eventually learned: **that’s not actually the first question you should be asking.

Why We Ask This Question

I asked “should I stay or should I go” because it felt like there were only two options. I could not see a third path. I could not see a different way forward.

I guess I thought that if I could just DECIDE - just pick one and commit - at least I would have some semblance of knowledge about what comes next.

I hated the limbo. I hated living in perpetual replays of what happened, what I missed, what I should have seen. I thought making a decision would give me some control in a world that had done a drastic 180 and left me feeling not only unsafe but flailing around in uncharted territory that I didn’t ask for.

At least if I decided, I’d know what I was doing. Right?

The Problem with This Question

Here’s the thing: asking “should I stay or should I go” forces a binary choice before you have enough information. It assumes the relationship can stay as it currently exists.

It can’t.

It puts all the pressure on YOU to figure it out. To be the one with the answer.

And it skips over the real questions you actually need to ask first.

For me, I didn’t feel external pressure to decide right away. That came later - over the 7-year period when other “transgressions” would be brought to light. Eventually, I became too embarrassed to even discuss it with my trusted friends.

One of them finally told me: “You either need to accept you’re in an open relationship or leave.” And you know what? That binary thinking - stay and accept it or leave - is exactly what’s wrong with this question.

Because there IS a third option. But you can’t see it when you’re stuck asking “should I stay or should I go.”

The Better Question

The real question - the one I wish someone had told me to ask first - is this:
Can I stay HERE in this relationship as it currently exists - without destroying myself?

Not “should I stay in the marriage.”

But “can I stay in THIS VERSION of the marriage - the one where he cheated, where trust is broken, where I’m checking his phone and living in hypervigilance - without losing myself completely?”

Because here’s the truth: you cannot stay in the relationship as it currently exists. That version is already dead. The affair killed it.

So, the real question becomes:
Are BOTH of us willing to burn down the old relationship and build something completely new?

Not repair it. Not go back to how it was. But dismantle what was broken and build something different from the ground up.

That’s a completely different question than “should I stay or go.”

What I Did

I sat with the discomfort of not knowing. And let me tell you - that was excruciating.
I’m 25 years sober. My sobriety date is 1/1/01. I know how to sit with discomfort. But this? This was different. This wasn’t “don’t drink today.” This was “don’t make a permanent decision while you’re in acute trauma.”

I had to ask myself:

- Is he actually remorseful, or is he just sorry he got caught?
- Is the affair truly over, or am I being lied to right now?
- Is HE willing to do the brutal work this will require?
- Am I willing to do MY work - not just heal from the betrayal, but look at how I showed up in this marriage too?

And here’s the uncomfortable truth: I had to be willing to examine my part WITHOUT taking responsibility for his affair.

Those are two different things.

His affair was his choice. Full stop.

But if we were going to rebuild, I had to look at where I checked out, where I built walls, where I stopped being present. Not because I caused the affair - I didn’t - but because rebuilding meant both of us had to get brutally honest about the marriage that existed before the affair.

What This Means for You

You don’t have to decide right now. But you DO have to get honest about what you can tolerate.

Can you stay in this relationship as it exists TODAY, with the lying, the betrayal, the broken trust without destroying yourself?

If the answer is no (and it should be no), then the next question is:

Is your partner willing to do what it takes to make this a completely different relationship? And are you?

Because staying doesn’t mean accepting what happened. It means deciding if both of you are willing to burn down the old marriage and build something new.
And leaving doesn’t mean you failed. It means you chose yourself.

Either choice can be the right choice. But you can’t make that choice from a place of acute trauma while you’re asking the wrong question.

The Real Answer

There’s no easy answer. Anyone who tells you there is - whether they say “always leave” or “always stay” - doesn’t understand the complexity of real relationships and real betrayal.

But you can figure this out. You can make the decision that’s right for YOU.
Just maybe not today.
And maybe not by answering the question everyone else is asking.
Take your time. Get honest. Ask better questions.

I will be writing honestly about recovery, betrayal, and the messy work of rebuilding.
Subscribe if you want to keep talking about this.

— Heather

P.S. - If you’re reading this and you’re in the thick of it right now: I see you. You’re not crazy. You’re not weak for not knowing what to do. You’re human. And you’re going to get through this. One question at a time.